Thanks for all your support after yesterday’s post. It is very comforting to know that people are thinking of me a praying for me. This is a tough time, and I don’t want to sugar-coat things by saying all the cheesy platitudes that you usually hear when you are grieving. I don’t want to be placated….I want to be pissed off. And I am.
Unfortunately, what I usually do when I’m pissed off is go for a run. And I can’t do that right now, because I am in the final days of my taper for this weekend’s marathon. I don’t feel like screwing myself on Sunday just to try to deal with some uncomfortable emotions right now.
So, what do I do? Well, I have a three mile run tonight that is my last run before Sunday’s race. It is supposed to be really slow and easy. Not exactly what I need. I have also been eating. Nothing like gorging yourself on food to stuff those nasty feelings way down deep. It’s fine to eat half a loaf of french bread with dinner, right? Can I at least call it carbo-loading? Or blame it on the pregnancy? Or something, so that I don’t have to acknowledge why I’m really doing this?
Anyway, the memorial service is on Saturday afternoon. I’m still heading over to the race festivities on Friday afternoon. I’m going to pick up my race packet and peruse the expo. And then I’m going to take Jaden to the kid’s race. I want him to have as much fun as humanly possible.
Saturday morning is Tim’s 5K. Right now he isn’t sure if he is going to run it or not. He had his wisdom teeth taken out last week and he is still in a lot of pain. I’m selfishly hoping that he will run. I am REALLY looking forward to spectating at his race. During his first two races, I was running too, so I couldn’t be the best cheerleader.
Then, Saturday afternoon, I will make the 2 hour plus drive back home to go to the service. After the burial, I will make the same drive back to Appleton and probably collapse in a puddle of exhaustion on the floor. I’ll miss out on the fun pasta dinner and instead I will get to spend my pre-race afternoon and evening sitting in the car. Someone will have to remind me to stretch out really well before I go to bed on Saturday.
Sunday morning I am going to get up and try to put a smile on my face. I will cheer for my cousin Jason as he starts his half marathon. An hour later, I’ll toe the line at my first marathon. (seriously….an HOUR between the start of the two races!?! And shouldn’t the marathon start first??) I know that I will have a lot of time during those 26.2 miles to do some thinking. I’ll think about my cousin. I’ll think about my feelings (maybe anger is going to be a good motivator for me). I’ll think about the baby. And, knowing me, I’ll let my mind wander for miles on end.
And just to throw one other thing out there….something else that pisses me off….I have nothing to wear to the service! None of my regular clothes fit anymore and the maternity clothes are still too big. I may just show up in running shorts or my work scrubs. They seem to be the only things I fit into these days.