Dealing with tragedy

This week was the hardest one I’ve had to deal with in a long time.  My step dad passed away on Monday night.  I’ve spent the week trying to help my mom with the arrangements and just spending time with my family remembering all the times we had with Larry.

I’m not good at dealing with death.  I usually stuff my feelings way down deep inside and ignore them for as long as possible.  I was fortunate in that there were a lot of ‘things’ that needed to be done.  My mom needed me to make a lot of phone calls, help with a lot of the planning, deliver stuff to the funeral home, help with the obituary, pick up the food from the church, etc.  I am good at doing ‘things.’  I am very task-oriented.  Focusing on the task takes brain power and it keeps me from having to focus on emotions.

The funeral was Saturday and I think it was a nice memorial.  My mom had asked me to sing and I did a duet with my uncle and a solo of Amazing Grace.  I love singing with my uncle, but I wish we could find better circumstances.  These were the most difficult songs I’ve ever had to sing.  But, my mom seemed to think it was nice and that is all that matters. 

This was also the first time that Jaden has had anyone close to him die.  It was the first time he had ever been to a funeral, or seen a body in a casket.  He drew a very nice picture for his grandpa Larry that they put in the casket.  I wish I had taken a picture of it.  He drew himself and grandpa in a boat, fishing.  Totally awesome.  I was impressed with the way Jaden handled himself.  I’m sure there will be some more questions as time passes, and the finality hits him.

I didn’t spend a whole lot of time running or doing school work this week.  I did have to go to my clinical on Thursday.  I was physically there, but emotionally someplace else.  I struggled with whether or not I should go.  In the end, I think being there was ok.  I was able to distract myself for a little bit…and I got to see a PICC line insertion.

I am terribly far behind in my school work and I am going to do my best to try to catch up today.  I’m going to try to get over to my mom’s house later this afternoon and check on her.  This will be the first night she will be home alone.  It has been a very busy week for her, and I am not entirely sure how she is going to handle it now that everyone has gone back home and there aren’t really any ‘things’ that need to be done.

The next few weeks will be tough as she has to deal with finalizing everything.  I’ll go with her to take care of some of it (as I’m available).  We have to wait for the death certificate to come before we can do any of it.

I did get a few runs in, and even though my running wasn’t what was important this week, it did offer me a chance to clear my mind and gave me the energy I needed to keep going.

Sunday: 4 miles.  4 miles

Monday 6×400 before school  6×400

Tuesday: 4 miles.  This may be the run where I add some inclines.  Nothing. 

Wednesday: 6 easy (tempo?)  6 miles, 5 at half marathon tempo

Thursday: Rest  rest

Friday: 4 easy  4

Saturday: 6  3.  My body started cramping after the stress of the week.

My sister and I don’t see each other very often, and since we were both dressed nicely, we decided to take some pictures.  Aren’t we gorgeous (and totally mature)?  😉


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