I struggle mightily with all the sacrifices I have to make to go to nursing school. Ultimately, I think that this is a good thing. I am learning a lot. My kids get to see that just because you are an adult, it doesn’t mean that you stop learning. I know that when I’m done, I’ll be able to get a job where I can help a lot of people and contribute to the finances of our family.
I starting to wonder if it is all worth it. I spend almost all my time studying. I am so preoccupied with all the homework that needs to be done.
This past week, I used almost every spare moment to study for today’s tests. I ignored my kids and my husband. The house is a disaster. I was short-tempered. I had so much anxiety that I wasn’t able to sleep last night. And I didn’t do very well on the tests.
If I can put all my effort into studying, and still not do well, is it really worth it?
Is it worth seeing the disappointment on my kids’ faces when I can’t play with them? Is it worth having Tim be frustrated with me because I don’t have time to spend with him and I have expectations that he will do some of the stuff that I usually do? Is it worth losing sleep over?
And yet I feel like I’m stuck. If I take the time away from my studies to be more engaged with my family, I may not pass these classes. Then all of this will have been in vain. Then I will have been ignoring my family and losing sleep and there won’t even be a payoff at the end.
But there is a part of me that dies when Jaden wants to play a card game and I have to tell him that I can’t because I need to study. I want to hug him and tell him that I would love nothing more than to play a game of cards with him. I am not sure he fully understands why I have to spend every free moment studying; after all, his homework takes him about 7.3 minutes.
I’m not quite halfway through this program (with at least another year of schooling at some point after completion). I do want to be a nurse. I think I will be a good nurse. I’m just not sure that the process of getting there is the right thing for my family. If I’m a good nurse and a horrible wife and mother, what have I gained?
I know that this internal battle is part of what is causing me so much anxiety. I hate crying over the fact that I feel like I’m missing my kids grow up. Is the (relatively) short term sacrifice worth the potential gain?
I don’t know.