Confession

I struggle mightily with all the sacrifices I have to make to go to nursing school.  Ultimately, I think that this is a good thing.  I am learning a lot.  My kids get to see that just because you are an adult, it doesn’t mean that you stop learning.  I know that when I’m done, I’ll be able to get a job where I can help a lot of people and contribute to the finances of our family.

But…

I starting to wonder if it is all worth it.  I spend almost all my time studying.  I am so preoccupied with all the homework that needs to be done. 

This past week, I used almost every spare moment to study for today’s tests.  I ignored my kids and my husband.  The house is a disaster.  I was short-tempered.  I had so much anxiety that I wasn’t able to sleep last night.  And I didn’t do very well on the tests. 

If I can put all my effort into studying, and still not do well, is it really worth it?

Is it worth seeing the disappointment on my kids’ faces when I can’t play with them?  Is it worth having Tim be frustrated with me because I don’t have time to spend with him and I have expectations that he will do some of the stuff that I usually do?  Is it worth losing sleep over?

And yet I feel like I’m stuck.  If I take the time away from my studies to be more engaged with my family, I may not pass these classes.  Then all of this will have been in vain.  Then I will have been ignoring my family and losing sleep and there won’t even be a payoff at the end.

But there is a part of me that dies when Jaden wants to play a card game and I have to tell him that I can’t because I need to study.  I want to hug him and tell him that I would love nothing more than to play a game of cards with him.  I am not sure he fully understands why I have to spend every free moment studying; after all, his homework takes him about 7.3 minutes.

I’m not quite halfway through this program (with at least another year of schooling at some point after completion).  I do want to be a nurse.  I think I will be a good nurse.  I’m just not sure that the process of getting there is the right thing for my family.  If I’m a good nurse and a horrible wife and mother, what have I gained?

I know that this internal battle is part of what is causing me so much anxiety.  I hate crying over the fact that I feel like I’m missing my kids grow up.  Is the (relatively) short term sacrifice worth the potential gain?

I don’t know.

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