What if…

On Monday I will head back to Bone and Joint for a procedure that will (hopefully) alleviate the pain I have been dealing with for the last 6 months.  The plan is that once the pain is gone, I will be able to start running again (gradually and slowly).  This should excite me.  The truth is—I’m terrified!

I’m not afraid of the procedure.  It is going to be similar to the two sets of injections I’ve already had.  It may be a little more painful, but I can handle that .  I’m not afraid of the recovery.  I’ve been told that it is possible I may have some increased pain for a day or two—but the doctor will prescribe me some medication to manage that.

What I’m afraid of is how my body is going to respond when I finally ask it to run.  I’m expecting to be slow (the doctor told me I have to be) and I’m expecting to have lost my endurance (she also said I can’t run more than half a mile every other day), and I’m expecting my legs to feel heavy and cumbersome from not running for so long. 

But what happens if the pain is still there?  What if, after 6 months of not running, I finally take those first steps—and it still hurts?  What if I’ve gone through all these steps—the Xrays and MRIs and physical therapy and crutches and injections and burning off portions of the nerves—and I try to run and the pain is still there?  What if I only got to be a runner for 4 1/2 years?

I know if is a lot of ‘what ifs.’  And I really am trying to stay positive.  I’m trying to think about the the benefits I hope to get from this procedure.  I’m praying (pleading, really), that this is the answer I so desperately want it to be.

But, I can’t get rid of the terrified feeling that it might not work.


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